Wednesday, September 30, 2009

dr seuss bible


my favorite kids in the hall sketch evar!!! (and a decent clip, too. via.)

Friday, September 25, 2009

dude...wow.

that must be some good crank they got in sweden:

"A high-on-drugs Dutch trucker en route to Gothenburg, Sweden, was masturbating while driving and lost control, flipping the truck and blocking multiple lanes of traffic. While in the wreckage, he kept masturbating. Under police interrogation, he kept masturbating. That's determination."


masturbating while being interrogated by police? that's no way to go through life, son.

Uh, i was, uh, busy checking the GPS, if you know what i mean...

a word of warning



mandroppings is here to look out for your sanity.

via

Friday, September 18, 2009

poor chicken

Er, wha?

This is from a NYC Fox affiliate. The weather guy and anchor are in 'banter mode,' and the anchor is giving him shit about the forecast, I guess.

So then the anchor says...well, watch:



'All right. Keep on fucking that chicken.'

Someone help me--is that like, a phrase now? What does it signify? I've never heard it before, but i kinda like it.

P.S. the truly creepy part of this story is that the anchorman is 66 years old, according to this piece.

Holy hairpiece/botox/facelift batman!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

nerd, dork, dweeb, or geek?

You know you're at least one.

via neatorama.

Here's a Venn diagram proposing the various factors that go into figuring out which is which.

Which are you?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Thanks a lot CU.

Oh, THANK YOU SO VERY FUCKING MUCH, CU!

Not only has science ruined everything fun we used to be able to consume--cigarettes, cheeseburgers, fried food, drinking to excess, heroin--not only have they ruined random sex with strangers, now scientists at CU are just fucking with us.

They are reporting that showerheads may contain a variety of bacteria that could lead to pulmonary problems--problems like tuberculosis:

Scientists removed the showerhead from the pipe, swabbed the inside, and extracted DNA from that swab.

"We found a fairly high number (of M. avium)," said Baumgartner. "It was surprising how consistent it was."

The risk of illness is lower for people who prefer baths to showers. That's because showers act like aerosol sprays, and the pathogen-filled droplets are easily inhaled into the deepest part of the lungs.


"Pathogen-filled droplets easily inhaled into the deepest part of the lungs?!?!?!?"

Great. So, not only do I have to give up smoking and Wendy's, and take up running just to break even. Now you're telling me I can't even enjoy a shower after I get home from sweating out globules of cholesterol and whiskey?

Thanks a lot, CU. I want my tuition back.


I think he's a lunger.
Yup. He showered too often.

And, not to put a conspiracy theory spin on this, but isn't it interesting that one of the stinkiest, hippiest schools in America does a study that finds that showers might be bad?

Hmm. Watch for patchouli sales to skyrocket.

Monday, September 14, 2009

fox news: infromative

Found these on yesbutnobutyes, and just had to have them, don't you know.
For once, I have to agree with one of these sign-holders. Thank you indeed for this, Fox News. We can count on you to keep these people as infromed as ever.

I've been on a few dates where it became immediately apparent that there was to be no pubic option that night, whether I was the single payer or not.


And then there is the kinghell badass to beat all badasses of signage. He cannot spell, he lost the thread of whatever it was he was trying to say about halfway through this magnum opus, and he looks like he might be on a sex offender registry somewhere.

Dig his crazy vibe, ladies, and his crazier grin. He's ready for some teabaggin'.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mr. Wingnut goes to Washington

via fark, from NineTwelvePhoto's flickr stream.


Welp, another rally of wingnuts, another crop of poorly thought-out, poorly-spelled signs protesting they know not what.

When will the mainstream finally acknowledge--aloud--that this alleged protest, this so-called movement, this teabag bullshit has little if anything to do with health care and everything to do with the color of the man’s skin who is currently occupying the White House?

That's not to say that the healthcare execs and their lobbyists don't have an agenda, or that they don't stand to win or lose billions on this. But when it comes to the people out in the street, this is a clear attempt by those in power--the people at the top who are beholden to the system’s current winners--doing their best to use those at the bottom to further their agenda at the expense of thse people’s own best interests. Read a book called “What’s the Matter With Kansas” for much more on this phenomenon.

Anyway, here’s but a few pics from NineTwelvePhotos’ photostream on flickr. There’s lots and lots and lots more. Good for a laugh and a cringe.

To wit:


I'm not sure if she forgot to write out the word 'lion' on the, er, punchline side of the sign, or if we are, a la diners at Denny's, meant to glean her meaning from the picture of the lion. Either way, stay classy, Cleveland!!






I guess I still don't quite understand what health care as to do with the Second Amendment. Am I missing something?

This might have to be my favorite. Not only for the clear teeth-grinding rage and paranoia of the man in the pic--you can bet that right after this was snapped he said, 'Get that camera away from me!!" But also because if you click on it, you can see that someone originally correctly spelled 'menopause,' and that some helpful wag came along and 'corrected' it, changing the o to an a.

Joe the Plumber's spellcheck is at work again.

Friday, September 11, 2009

glenn beck didn't rape and murder a young girl in 1990

Okay, I am honestly trying to get some work done, but this is just irresistible.

Seems some peeps are fed up with the Blond Bloviator using the tired, tried and true technique from Fox News, in which anchors say something like, 'Some are saying...' or 'There is a rumor that...' and then spew out whatever bullshit talking points they were handed by the RNC.

Enter GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com

Here's a taste:

"This site exists to try and help examine the vicious rumour that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. We don't claim to know the truth -- only that the rumour floating around saying that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 should be discussed. So we're going to do our part to try and help get to the bottom of this.
Why won't Glenn Beck deny these allegations? We're not accusing Glenn Beck of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990 - in fact, we think he didn't! But we can't help but wonder, since he has failed to deny these horrible allegations. Why won't he deny that he raped and killed a young girl in 1990?"


Beck's response? Sue them for copyright infringement, thus drawing even more attention to the site.



These guys just keep on getting smarter.

ADDENDUM: and to paraphrase the originator of this joke (Gilbert Gottfried, who used it during a roast of Bob Saget): "We don't for sure that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. It's entirely possible that he murdered her first, and then raped her."

speed-the-plow

My review of Modern Muse's production of Mamet's 'Speed-the-Plow' came out in the Post today. But I wrote it long (go figure) and they had to make some cuts.

Here's the original, complete with some references that never had a chance in hell of making it into a Family Newspaper, lol. But I am always hopeful, and I always try anyway.

For your reading pleasure.



SPEED-THE-PLOW
by Kurt Brighton

Like it or not, David Mamet’s 1988 play “Speed-the-Plow” will be forevermore associated with “Entourage” star Jeremy Piven. Not for what he did with the role of Bobby Gould, but for what he didn’t do: finish the run of a 2008 revival. Dropping out of the production after suffering from suspected mercury poisoning--with sushi as the dubious delivery system--was just too weird a story not to be covered extensively.

Mamet’s wry observations aside--he told Variety, “My understanding is that [Piven] is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer,”--the show deserves better.

The “bitching-lamp,” indeed, is lit.

But the script also deserved better--from Mamet. More on that later.

Luckily, here in Denver we have Modern Muse. Their production of “Speed” hits all the right notes: Ari Gold has nothing on Len Matheo as Gould, a mid-level Hollywood sleaze-vendor who has been recently promoted. His buddy, the equally rapacious Charlie Fox is played by Erik Tieze, who also steps up superbly.

The tale is familiar by now, but with typical Mametian twists: soulless Hollywood jerks revel in selling America the dimmest of formulaic tripe, because it’s safe, and it makes them rich. Well, duh.

Bobby is full of the swagger of a newly-minted decider, suddenly having the freedom to green-light films up to $40 million without the approval of his boss, but Matheo also manages to slip in the layer of insecurity that lurks beneath any such promotion. Charlie seeks to take immediate advantage, having secured the rights, which expire in 24 hours, to a shoo-in box office hit.

Bobby and Charlie josh around with other like old fraternity brothers, and the chemistry between Matheo and Tieze is relaxed and genuine. Moreover, under the guidance of director A. Lee Massaro, the two have done a masterful job of interpreting “Mamet-speak,” that odd and oddly stiff, jolting speech that is meant to resemble the way people actually talk, but usually ends up seeming just a bit too precious. Matheo and Tieze manage to cut each other off, ignore each other, and overlap as naturally as is possible, given the style’s strictures.

Wafting around the edges of the crude jokes and good-natured shoving is the unmistakable stench of the power differential that separates the two. In Charlie’s every word you can hear his lascivious hunger--a verbal tumescence, if you will--for The Big Money his friend already enjoys. Each buddy-hug is a near-smothering; each headlock is but one twitch away from becoming a strangulation.

Which brings up the cause of the friction between these two fast friends. This being Mamet, you can guess that it involves one of those people, that minority which makes up 50.1 percent of the human population: the testicularly-deficient. The ovarially-afflicted. The gynocratically-inclined.

Women being the source of all evil and strife in Mamet-land, Lisa DeCaro as the put-upon temporary secretary who is assigned to “courtesy-read” a post-apocalyptic novel written by an award-winning “Eastern fruit” is bound to run up against the sweaty, hairy chest of righteous uber-masculinity that is the beating heart of Mamet’s world.

DeCaro does great work as the wide-eyed secretary, but even as you decide she is devoid of original ideas, intelligence, or even basic common sense, you begin to suspect that she may be just as conniving and greedy as the boys, only not as good at it. Mamet’s done himself one better than usual: women are somehow not only stupid, na├»ve and childish, they may simultaneously be clever, evil tricksters.

While the performances and direction are spot-on--these guys have done all you can with these characters and more--ultimately you walk away from “Speed-the-Plow” dissatisfied. There’s an uneasy sense that Mamet the meta-con man has pulled one over on us, painting himself in shades of self-parody, then sitting back to see how much we’ll bite.

Ultimately the play reads as if it were a bilious, extended character study which someone convinced a reluctant author to stretch out to the bare minimum of 90 minutes.

Huh. Come to think of it, isn’t that exactly what routinely happens with those soulless, Hollywood film scripts?
###

ah, lily allen

Here she is, with my favorite song off her 'It's Not Me, It's You," record.

There's something so adorable about her viciousness. It's as if Barbie did a bunch of blow and let all her inner bitterness out--but in a soft, pink, fuzzy-bunny way that spewed it at her targets without getting any on herself. :)

Happy Friday, and Fuck You Very Much!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

US Open - Djokovic the Djoker

I've been watching the US Open as much as i can lately, and although i missed this (last night, i think?) after his win Djokovic does a bit of his John McEnroe impression.

Mac, not one to let anything slide, puts on some tennis shoes and heads down from the booth to the court to hit a few with the Djoker, much to the delight of the NYC crowd. And how fun for this 22 or 23 year old superstar getting to clown around with one of the all-time legends of tennis.

In an age of image control and paranoia from athletes who feel the need to appear only as perfect rock stars (the confiscated tape of LeBron getting dunked on at his camp, anyone?) it is really refreshing to see these two guys going out in front of a crowd of thousands, and on television or at least tape, and acting silly, and not giving a shit about how they look.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

HS strip searches aren't m-kay, m-kay?

An interim superintendent is being investigated after it came to light that he had ordered five high school girls to strip down when school officials were looking into a possible theft at the school:

"Family members say Atlantic School officials forced the girls to remove their clothes during an investigation into a theft on August 21st. Lawyers say the girls were forced to strip down to their underwear, and one girl took off all her clothes."

He claims, bizarrely, that this isn't technically a 'strip-search,' and therefore is allowable under the district rules.

But what amused me about this whole thing is the picture the website reporting it ran alongside the story:



Gosh, titillation much, fellas? What's the message here, 'Oh that's horrible! The way they humiliated those poor girls!' But...what? It's also kinda hot?

Feckin' yikes.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

she'd look great about halfway through...

via neatorama.

oh god...oh jesus.

(sweat beading on forehead)

oh my lord...

(hands start to shake)

(mouth dry -- licking lips)

(reaching for it with shaking hand...)

OH GOD YES!!!

hell, i'll even bang the scottish lass with the butter-face, if i hafta. that, i think, is enough whisky to get me in the sack with phyllis diller.

or even kate gosselin.

er, maybe.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

CU Buffs - we're number 10!!

Barnett liked to keep the QBs close. Real close.

Ha! GQ published its first-ever (but hopefully not last) list of America's 25 douchiest colleges and universities. I was a bit disappointed that Penn State only got honorable mention behind Ohio State in the excessive school spirit category (we're ALWAYS losing to those guys!!)

But I felt a tiny, gold and black tear welling up in my eye when I saw that my alma mater, good ole Ski U was listed at number 10. We're number 10! We're number...uh, what where we talking about, dude? Pass the bong.

Here's a snippet:

Home of: The Kind-Bud Douche
Affectations: Prius; $400 Telemark skis you're not sure what to do with; bong made from recycled Nalgene bottles; white-guy dreads.

Friday, September 4, 2009

dear verizon customer: suck it




via C&L.

My phone company, the one I pay way too much money to every month, is stepping up and using its corporate voice to draw attention to the environmental debate.

Only problem is, they're sponsoring this 'Friends of America' rally this weekend, an anti-environment, pro-coal event featuring such heavyweight environmental intellects as Sean Hannity, Ted Nugent and John Rich. At the event, which is being held on a reclaimed mine in West Virginia (see! everything's just okey-dokey!) you will be given the opportunity to sign a petition put out by the National Mining Association opposing the Waxman-Markey bill, a clean energy bill that would address climate change, finally, in a real and hopefully useful way.

Goddamn commies, wanting to keep their stupid polar ice caps...

At any rate, when Becky Bond, the political director for a group called Credo Action contacted Verizon and asked why they were on the sponsor rolls along with dozens of mining companies and anti-environment front groups, they got this in response:

"This is how our response is going over with the activists. Becky once lived in a tree for a while. At least now I know where the emails are coming from."
— James Gerace, VP of Corporate Communications at Verizon Wireless

Nice to know that they care so much about what their customers think. Just send us the money, folks. We'll do the big-picture 'thinking' for ya.

So if you don't think Verizon should sponsor global warming deniers and mountain-top removal mining, go here to sign a petition. To send Verizon a direct email telling them what you think, go here.

Have a happy and fun Labor Day!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

experiments in hair design

this is my first attempt at going guardless, setting 2. normally i use a 1/8 inch guard set all the way to 5, the shortest cut possible with a guard, but i thought i might try guardless and see what happens.

opinions please.

my initial thoughts are: ex-con, serial killer, bubble boy, dead man walking.





oh, and i included the ghostly looking one where i moved the camera because i like it. so there.