Friday, January 16, 2009

colorado drivers: a study

Recently I started rehearsing a new play in Denver, called ‘And the Winner Is...’ by Mitch Albom, the guy who wrote ‘Tuesdays With Morrie.’ It’s down at Vintage Theatre, the place where I did Streetcar last summer, and so I’ve started doing the drive back and forth to Denver again.

I love the people I’m working with, and I’m having a lot of fun, so that makes it less heinous to drive down. However the driving has afforded me the opportunity to notice and categorize the various types of drivers we have here in loverly Colorado. Since I find myself yelling at the same people over and over again, I thought I would share with you who they are. If you can think of any types I have overlooked, or if you ARE one of these types, or one I’ve overlooked, please to share. :)

1. Mr.Speedy -- I generally only see or notice this guy late at night on the way back from Denver, but he is the young fellow who thinks ‘The Fast and the Furious’ is a how-to manual for living. He sees Vin Diesel as a sort of Mr. Miyagi, full of clever life lessons, like ‘If you’re not out of control, you’re not in control.’ Erm, okay...

yes, that's cardboard. exactly as useful as the same fiberglass mods on a car that can't go over 95 mph.

Mr. Speedy drives a tricked-out piss-yellow Civic, with endless mods that he pays for by working at Domino’s and living with his parents, thus saving on rent. He is so desperate for attention and validation that he will attempt to bait anyone into racing by cruising alongside them and preventing them from passing, even if the only competition is a rusted-out Chevy Impala.

Sample insult: ‘Come on, Mr. Speedy, make up your mind! How fast do you wanna go? Your dick ain’t getting any bigger!’

2. Trucknutz -- This name has nothing to do with whether or not the said driver actually has Trucknutz, the delightful and oh-so-subtle masculinity substitution you can attach to the rear bumper of your vehicle (now in chrome!!!) in order to remind the world your vehicle is male? Or that you are male? That you have a tiny, flaccid, wrinkled penis that no actual female is interested in?

redneck in training. i believe that children are the future.

I’m not real sure what they’re for. At any rate, there is a certain type of Colorado driver who drives a pick-up with a toolbox in back, with or without Trucknutz, and is very determined to prove he is a bigger man than everyone else. If he is in the left lane going 74 mph, then by God that’s fast enough for you too. If you go to pass him, he will speed up until you are blocked in, then he will slow down again. Oh, and the left lane is His Territory. God forbid you should pass him on the right. If you do catch him unawares and get by him on the right, he will ride your Trucknutless tail for miles, no doubt suffering a apoplectic fit of insecurity and emasculation, his withered genitals shrinking ever upward and finally crawling up into his abdomen where they will atrophy and die, thus making him even angrier.

Sample insult: Let’s go, Trucknutz! Get the fuck over! We’re all very impressed.’

3. Ms. Minivan Lady -- These creatures are most often seen in minivans, but can be spotted sometimes in SUVs and other vehicles. They generally have six to eight precious little snowflakes in the back, and as their erratic driving style makes plain, they spend most of the journey facing the backseat, yelling at someone rather than focused on the road. They are unpredictable animals; they speed up and slow down randomly, weaving back and forth from lane to lane with no discernable plan or intention behind the moves.

It might be imagined that they are generally not as aggressive as other drivers, but this would be a mistake. The wild, random fits of aggression they display are even more pronounced, as they have no clear rationale behind them and are in fact merely random signals sent from the brain to the feet and hands between arguments with aforementioned snot-nosed snowflakes in the back. The brain thinks: ‘Hmm. It seems like I’m supposed to be focusing on piloting this 2000-pound guided missile...I forget. Oh well! Say, the left lane seems like it might be fun! Zoom!’

She may wait until fifty yards before her exit to suddenly weave across four lanes of traffic, completely oblivious to the major pile-up she has just caused, as she’s more worried about little Tyler, who just spilled his grape juice on Morgan’s new white jacket.

Sample insult: ‘You can’t be serious, Minivan Lady! 54 miles an hour? Pull your head outta yer ass!’

4. Wyoming -- Now, I’m positive that Wyoming is home to a diverse and interesting populace. But there is a certain driving style that those Wyoming residents who come south have consistently displayed. It is mainly characterized by stubbornly, constantly, permanently and forever sitting in the left lane. No matter what. Always. If they aren’t in the left lane, they freak out like a meth addict in the cold and flu aisle at the pharmacy. (‘So...much...Sudafed!!’)

I'm pretty sure that's a Wyoming plate.

Even if they have no discernable plans for passing the car in front of them, or even going faster than the person they were just behind, these creatures will dart out from the right lane at the first opportunity, even if that means cutting you off when you’re going 85. There are certain similarities between the behaviors of the Trucknutz species and that of Wyomings -- i.e. the insecurity, the need for sitting in the left lane. But while Trucknutz only come in youngish male, Wyomings can be male or female, young or old. They, too, feel that it is a sign of inadequacy if they let someone pass. It pisses them off if you do manage it somehow. In fact they drive as if they are pretty much always pissed off. But then, they live in Wyoming. Wouldn’t you be angry too?

Sample insult: ‘Jesus Christ, Wyoming! Do another bump and then see if you can find the gas pedal! I’m dying back here!’


Ewica said...

great list! but you forgot the blue hairs AND the truckers!

Juice said...

Not complete, but very fucking accurate