Five Ways David Wong is Fucking Retarded

I’ve seen this article, titles 'Five Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women' shared around FB and I have to take major exception with the writer’s entire premise. It should more properly be titled ‘Ways Idiot Douchebags Have Been Trained To Hate Women.’ Let's have a look, shall we? Point by idiotic point.

5.) Men Feel They Are Entitled To Sex, And To Have A Beautiful Woman.

Uh, fucking WHAT? Unless you’re talking about the no-neck, date-rapist population of fraternity row, this is utter bullshit. Most men I know are very very very very grateful when they get laid. When they are in a relationship with a woman, most men I know do everything in their power to keep her happy because we know we are lucky to have found a woman who can tolerate us.

This doesn’t make us weak. It makes us human. We like to make those we like and love happy. Even my dog understands this basic tenet of friendship.

To say that because men in rom-coms always end up with a woman, all men feel we not only ought to end up with a woman, but that we deserve to is beyond asinine. By that logic, all women feel they deserve to be and should and WILL be swept off their feet by a dashing prince charming. The only women (and men) I know who believe in these fantasies are children, the Horribly Damaged and the Seriously Medicated.

Happily Ever After

4.) Men Are Trained To See Women As Decoration.

Apparently the premise of this one is that because advertising and movies use sex to sell their products, men are all equally shallow and judge women solely on their looks. Again, maybe this is true at Alpha Douchebag Delta, but for any man with any kind of socialization beyond being raised in a box in the backyard with the family dogs, this is ridiculous.

First of all, women are somewhere around, oh let’s say, half-ish of the population. That’s an awful lot of decoration. Yes, there are certain retrograde elements of our society who see women as less than human somehow, but THAT’S THEM. That’s not us. It’s certainly not all of us or anywhere near. To put all men in this box is as insulting and ignorant as when certain emotionally immature guys go around griping about how ‘all women are bitches.’ And it’s equally stupid and false.

Some of the strongest people in my life, people who I most admire and who have taught me the most are women--which makes sense, because again, women ARE HALF THE POPULATION.

And back to the first point, that women are judged on their looks. There is some truth to this. But we are all judged on our looks in this shallow, dumb age in which we live. To say this is only true of women but not of men is absurd.

We are all attracted to The Attractive. Get over it. Even infants are more drawn to good-looking people. Ladies, you may claim you’re the only ones who are judged on your looks next time you go out with a fat, ugly, pimply guy.

3.) We Think Women Are Conspiring With Our Boners To Ruin Us.

This is so fucking stupid I almost don’t have the heart to shred it.

After spending a meandering eight grafs discussing public masturbation, and guys who get their dicks stuck in pool filters and the like, Wong finally gets to what is apparently the real point of this one: that if men get a boner from looking at a woman’s cleavage, we blame the woman.

Um...what? Some childhood trauma at Grandma's funeral for Mr. Wong perhaps?

He then tries to back up this feeble and frankly weird point by pointing out that the bible story of the Garden of Eden has the woman ‘conspiring with a snake’ to bring man down.

Uh, again, what? What the fuck are you even talking about? This is something I don’t think anyone I know has even considered as even fleetingly true, that we've all been laid low by women's evil powers. Is this 1928? Are you Michael Shannon's character Agent Nelson Van Alden on 'Boardwalk Empire?'

Unless you are an emotionally stunted child-man who hates all women already, or an intellectually stunted religious freak who believes in the literal truth of the bible, you know better than to blame an autonomic sexual response on the woman you’re attracted to.

Fuck you. This is beyond retarded.

I love my boners. Often literally. Why on earth would I be angry at the woman who turned me on? Who GAVE me a boner? I mean, what an AWESOME thing to give someone! Could there be any better gift?

Men--real men, not the cartoonish examples of impacted, moronic masculinity this article seems to be conflating with actual human men--aren’t this fucking stupid. No one in real life is this stupid except David Wong and his frat boy buddies. And by the way, if your erections make you angry, you've got deeper problems than can be expressed in a Cracked article.

Yo, Adam, watch where you're waving that thing.

2) We Feel Like Manhood Was Stolen From Us and 1) We Feel Powerless

And here’s the kicker: we feel like it was women who stole our power and our manhood!!

Who’da thunk it?

These two are something about how characters on TV like Charlie Sheen’s on ‘Two and Half Men’ and Sterling Archer--or the title character from Wong’s books(!!!)--aren’t merely being dicks to everyone, they’re acting out what all men want to do. And how once we were able to pee anywhere we wanted, show our willies to people (when we were five or six) and how great it would be if the world was like the movie '300:' ‘...where everybody is shirtless and screaming and hacking things with swords.’

How when we were young and got in trouble for jumping off things and setting things on fire, it was women who took these pleasures away from us--somehow.

And here we come to the crux of Mr. Wong’s ‘argument’ (for lack of a better word, although ‘vaguely connected ramblings’ or ‘whiny diarrhea posing as words’ might be more accurate):

‘The result is a combination of frustration and humiliation and powerlessness...’

David Wong after getting turned down for a date. At least I assume this is him.

And this is really what this entire article is about: those men who feel weak and powerless and who blame women. They blame women for their own shortcomings, emphasis on ‘short.’

Sorry, Mr. Wong, I hate to break it to you and your meatheaded sympathizers, but your weakness, ineffectualness, and frustration with the life you have made are your own.

Actually, I suspect you are right, in a way--I suspect you have felt humiliated at the hands of women. But look at the construction of that sentence, versus the one you wrote above.

No one can MAKE you feel humiliated. No one can MAKE you feel powerless. No one can make you feel anything. Your humiliation and weakness come out of your own insecurities and all-around shitty character. Go back to the bar with your like-minded embittered friends and bitch about what a bunch of miserable bitches women are.

But in the future, please don’t bother writing about it; you’re giving real men a bad name.

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