Thursday, March 12, 2009
put down that coconut, you damn dirty ape
We all read (with loathing and creeped-outedness, i hope) (yes, that's a word, because i said so) about the woman in Connecticut who kept a chimp in her home, sleeping with it and even bathing(!) with it, and even giving it drugs, and how the poor confused thing finally went nuts and ripped the shit out of some woman it took to be a threat to its creepy mommy/lover/psychonut owner.
Well, proof of the Grand Monkey Conspiracy is here, people, and I am the one breaking the news. Check this story about a monkey who was so pissed at his owner -- who apparently beat him and refused to let him quit work as a coconut-gatherer -- that the monkey finally pegged said abusive owner on the head with a coconut, killing him instantly.
Couple this with the news that a chimp in a Swedish zoo apparently became so annoyed with gawking tourists that he began fashioning missiles out of rocks and chunks of concrete, even working on his weapons after hours, thus showing planning and stockpiling abilities, and...my friends, what you have here is a conspiracy.
No! A WAR!!! These beasts are clearly planning Something Big, and they seem to be smarter than many of us.
I for one welcome our new monkey overlords, and encourage you all to do the same. I plan to be one of their human hunters, leading the horseback troops of great apes through the ruins of our former cities as they toss nets, tridents and, yes, coconuts at runaway humans. I'm sure I will be given a warm cage, plenty of coconut milk, and several voluptuous, fertile females in exchange for ratting out human plans to fight back.
All Hail Mr. Peepers!!!