Saturday, January 15, 2011

damn, zodiac, you so wrong.

This here is some bullshit, y'all.

You're telling me that, having spent all my life as a Ram, as an Aries, a head-butting, ornery, kicking, rock-climbing mofo, with a Zodiacal name that sounds an awful lot like the Greek God-of-for-Chrissakes-War, that now, now here in 2011, less than a year before the world is about to end anyway, that now, due to the work of some astronomer, now, I am now to be tossed into the net of the Pisces?

Pisces the Fucking Fish?

You might as well take Patrick Swayze out of 'Roadhouse.'

You might as well take the Mad out of Max.

You might as well suggest that Chuck Norris wears little pink lace jammies to bed at night.

You might as well tell me my new star sign is Paul the Capybara. That is how much goddamn sense this makes.

Hi, I'm Paul, Paul the Capybara. And dude, your finger smells like a butthole. Yours?

You're saying I'm At least Kanye got to be a gay fish on that episode of South Park. That's at least interesting.

From huffpost:
Your zodiac sign may not actually be your zodiac sign anymore.
Astronomer Parke Kunkle says that due to changes in the Earth's alignment the dates of many zodiac signs have changed, according to NBC. In addition, there may be a 13th Zodiac sign: Ophiuchus.
Kunkle says that as the Earth and Sun slowly move the signs gradually change, as expected.
The change didn't happen over night either. The 12 signs were designated to different periods of the year almost 3,000 years ago, when astrology began, and since then the Earth's position in relation to the sun has changed.
While the sign many people were born under may now be different, it shouldn't affect horoscope readings, according to NBC.
See if your Zodiac sign has changed below. (And find out if your friends' signs have changed here or under the dates below.)
 No, uh-uh, I don't think so, bitch.

Here's a question, Parke Kunkle, if in fact that is your name, and not some pork-borne disease from Asia that will soon be ripping out the linings of our intestines: what the fuck is an ASTRONOMER doing investigating fucking ASTROLOGY star signs?

Ever heard of division of labor, bitch? Let the weird old ladies and old hippie cranks deal with astrology, dude. Don't you actual scientists, who allegedly have educations and whatnot, don't you have enough to do, reducing the number of planets in our Solar System and so forth? No wonder NASA's fucked.

Second problem, and this is coming from a very, very underemployed and very, very sad journalism major. Read this sentence again:
While the sign many people were born under may now be different, it shouldn't affect horoscope readings, according to NBC.
Oh, golly, thanks. So NBC, the home of Chet Huntley, David Brinkley, Edwin Newman and Tim Russert is now informing its viewers about possible changes to their HOROSCOPE READINGS? Really?

Well, they're right. The change won't affect horoscope readings--they will still be vague, malleable and prone to interpretation and wishful-thinking, just as they always have been. Score one for intrepid news-douches accidentally getting one right.

Shit, I'm surprised they used the correct spelling of 'affect' in this sentence. I'm surprised they managed to string enough words together to form a fucking sentence. I'm surprised that said sentence didn't cause the internet to spontaneously eject itself from earth's gravity well and head off into space seeking intelligent life.

Good night, and good luck, America. The Mayan end of the world can't get here soon enough.

But goddamnit, I came into this world a Ram; I will leave it a Ram.

If you're interested in this strange confluence of heresy and idiocy, here's the alleged new dates, according to pork disease Parke Kunkle the astronomer who is all worried about astrology.

And who clearly hates America. And NASA. And space.

The New Dates:
Story continues below
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

And thank you reddit for making my point for me in far fewer words.


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