threat level: huh?

Saw this vague and strange story in the Post today:

Students on the Colorado State University campus in Fort Collins have been asked to be "vigilant" today as the school investigates an "unspecified" and "unsubstantiated general threat."

Offices on the campus are open and classes are on schedule today, but on its website the university asks students "to report anyone or anything suspicious" to campus police immediately.

Okey-doke. Er...could you be more specific? Like, is it a Godzilla, say? Or more of a vampire/daywalker thing?

Bohlander could not share details about the threat, but he did say that safety on the campus is a priority.

"We did want to err on the side of caution," Bohlander said. "That is standard, that's how we try to operate."

Well, that's good to know. We'll all be sure to...be vigilant about...something that may or may not be imminent, and that might involve...some people (I presume) doing some stuff.

so, if you could just generally crap your pants...

The investigation into the threat is ongoing.

omfg

watch this. this guy is amazing--you will not be disappoint, i promise.

via.

no, you're a hipster

Yes, you.

via

this man is a badass

Even today. I would not want to meet him in a milk bar if he were looking to spill a bit of the red, red krovvy.

via.

do you like phil collins?

'I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual.'



That was one of my most memorable audition monologues, doing this piece from 'American Psycho.' Full text here. I remember very specifically some very disturbed older directors vocalizing their discomfort as I got further into it. Hee.

gif via.

i won't murder you

I definitely, definitely will NOT murder you. Seriously. Don't even worry about it for a second.

via.

undoubtedly so

No doubt this is in incredibly poor taste, and likely offensive.
You're welcome.

Found here.

among other things

Hair is the least of things by which you are bound to be disappointed, o thou disneyheads.

Btw, if you are a drinker of the disney kool-aid, or even if you're not and you're just a fan of well-crafted sci-fi, read Cory Doctorow's 'Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom.' Doctorow seems like a true fan of all things disney, not a hater like me, plus he's a very talented storyteller. Also check out his (among others) site here.

a streetcar named sexual assault

Oh my. This is from better book titles, and I have to say, they pretty much nailed this one.

Ouch.

dis my spot, bitch.

via

And not a single fuck was given that snowy day.

hugh laurie is a ponce

Bet you never saw Dr. House in this light before.

Hugh Laurie was actually a wildly successful comedic actor in his native England before auditioning for 'House.' I especially love him as the dim-witted prince on 'Blackadder,' with Rowan Atkinson.



Favorite quote:

[nods, smiling blankly]

'No. Didn't catch any of that.'

this was a weird one

image via lots more cool art there.

I haven't posted a dream here in a long time, but this was a particularly strange one. (I still write them down as I remember them, but I rarely post them here. Dunno why.)

At any rate, I've never been dead in a dream before, I don't think, and that was definitely the sensation in this. Text follows.


Dream:
I had a dream I had died. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. I was saddened, I suppose for my own loss, and my need to leave this world, but I also woke up with tears in my eyes for the loss of Mena. I think she had already gone on to some other realm.

I was standing on the edge of a farmhouse yard, I think, nighttime. I was with another person, a male but no one I recognized. He had died too, but somehow was more privy to the way these things worked. We gazed out over the edge of the cleared land, over a fence and dried stalks of October-dead corn blowing in the cool breeze. Beyond lay blackness, not just night but pure black, no stars, not even any ground or hills or differential between sky and land.

As we walked slowly toward the gate that opened onto the blackness, I asked once more if this was it, the only choice, if this was the way it had to be. My companion answered yes, that there were no choices any more. We stepped up to the gate, he stepped through and I began to follow. That’s when I was struck by sudden, overwhelming sadness at the loss of Mena.

I watched the other guy disappear into the gloom ahead, and took one tentative step forward, not yet through the gate but nearly there. Then I awoke.

I still miss you girlie.

it's a blog life, y'all

Word is bond.

Or rather, words are bond. Bonds, I suppose. Words are bonds. To make the verb match the object. Well, unless the word 'bond' is something more like an idea or a concept. Then I suppose...

using the whole fist, doc?

Poor Kermie.

that happens to you too?!?

zombie marilyn

I always knew there was something strange about that woman.

Happy Birthday, Mr. BRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIINNNNS!

hi!...oh...hi!...oh...hi!...oh

Poor earth. So confused.

speak no evil

Wow. Interesting show last night. About five, maybe ten minutes before curtain we get told that a group of say, fifty 12 and 13-year-old kids have arrived and are on their way up. They had pre-purchased the tickets, and so that part was no problem.

However, while the show is by no means 'R'-rated, there is some humor that is at least suggestive. I would have to say though, that with the word ‘shit’ being the most blatant thing actually spoken aloud, for most middle school kids there isn’t much here that they haven’t seen or heard on television or on the interwebz a million times before, parental naivete notwithstanding.

Turns out, naturally, that they are a group of kids from the Colorado Springs Youth Symphony Orchestra. Dunno why they were up here; hopefully they had some other event they were going to, and decided to join us to cap off the evening--because they didn’t return after intermission.

I laughed so hard. Now, it’s certainly possible that the Nurse from Romeo and Juliet with ‘her’ (plastic) boobs hanging out was the problem, or that Brooks and Mike simulating a violent, airborne childbirth did it, or that one of us uttering the word ‘shit’ was what put it over the top. Or maybe it was the suggestion that a riff on ‘Midsummer Nights’ Dream’ ends with a ‘bisexual bestial orgy.’

This is what a google image search for 'bisexual bestial orgy' turned up. Go figure.

But I’m betting that if they were honest with themselves, the real problem came at the outset, with my opening monologue. It is written in the style of a manic televangelist, and in the speech I suggest that the three of us were sent by God--and the literary muse--to slay the demons of ignorance about The Bard.

Oh yeah, and I also call out Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Sarah Palin.

At any rate, if their walking out is NOT due to religio-political leanings, then they have no one but themselves to blame. The show and the script have been around since like 1987. If I were in charge of taking a bunch of conservative (presumably, since they walked out; I hate to judge the whole lot of them, but the results speak for themselves) kids to a play, I would make DAMN sure of what it was I was bringing them to see.

By the way, the kids, the vast majority of them, were laughing their asses off.

Fuck the adults if they can’t take a joke.

Stay tuned: I'm very much looking forward to the letters-to-the-editor page in the Coloradoan this Sunday.

###

think of the children.

Won't someone think of the children?

Oh, and the mustaches. Won't someone think of the mustaches?

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discography of your favorite band

Wow. This is pretty much dead-on. Although, as someone on reddit pointed out, if your favorite band is still making records after their eighth album, and no one has yet died of a drug-related mishap, then they clearly aren't doing something right.

Also, where's the 'Greatest Hits Because We've Run Out of Ideas' record?

And I'd like to see a tangent: lead singer decides he's outgrown the band, releases one mediocre album to little acclaim, a second album that flops entirely, then rejoins the band for...wait for it...'The Egos: Reunited!'

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more pooh psychiatry

Here's some more of these. Like I said, I'm sure you've seen these before, but they are still hilarious.

hyperbole and a half

This site is hilarious. It's called hyperbole and a half. Not that its creator, a woman named Allie needs any more publicity; her last post exploded all over reddit and a million other sites. But if you haven't seen it, go, and be prepared to laugh maniacally.

The above link is to her latest post, but here is one of my all-time favorites, titled, 'This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult.'

Finally. A woman who understands me. Favorite pic: 'Clean all the things!'

And, yes, the group of wide-eyed six-year-olds depicted in the 'Wolves' post (above) are creepy, and yes, you should be very frightened of them.

And their teeth.

the psychiatry of pooh

These have been floating around the interwebs for some time, but they still make me laugh. I found them at this site, but I have been unable to find the original creator. Hit me up if you have a link so I can properly credit them.







There are more but photobucket is pissing me off right now. Will get them up later.

glee = schadenfreude?

As I was looking up a different word in my big-ass Webster's dictionary, I came across this:

Glee: effervescent, demonstrative mirth;
2. Laughing satisfaction at the misfortunes of others;
3. An unaccompanied part-song mainly of the 18th c. for three or more
voices (usually male)

Wait--what? Where did that second one come from? But maybe that explains the popularity of the show of the same name, at least at first, in what they were trying to do before it turned into a typical Hollywood, schlocky, manipulative, spirit-uplifting, feel-good, 'teens triumph against the odds--and maybe learn something about themselves along the way' show. Because at first there was a bit more honesty on the show, a bit more meanness and a sense of the vitriol that teens (and adults) often feel for one another out of their insecurity and sense of tribalism.

And it's that tribalism that I think blinds a lot of fans who have remained fans: where else has there ever been a show about that most trodden-upon of high school nerds, the theatre geek? So it was cool to see the early episodes, and the glorification of theatre geekdom, the kids as outsiders and not very cool. But, sorry, it's gotten way, way too slick and unbelievable, even with the generous suspension of disbelief of which we theatre folks are capable.

I was especially disappointed that the show went in the watered-down, broad appeal direction because it had such promise to be a quirky, strange, and truly ground-breaking show, self-mocking along the lines of 'Hamlet 2,' and with a cast packed with anti-heroes.

That said, who among us would be able to resist the allure of higher ratings (and thus much more money) and the whispered sweet nothings of network execs promises?

I think we're all just waiting for our chance to sell out. But don't tell me 'Glee' is the same show it was early in season one, because it's not.

Also, is there any way it is still possible to view Lea Michelle as an outcast nerd-girl after seeing her in that GQ photo layout?

(And I do mean LAY-out. And I do mean lay-OUT, as in her knees. Out. Very.)

my horse buddy

As I'm rehearsing and learning lines for 'Equus,' (at Vintage Theatre, opens 2.18) thoughts of horses and their inner lives are at the forefront for some strange reason.

This little guy lives next to the school where I take my dog Wasabi, and he stopped over for a visit today. He didn't even seem to mind too much when sabi barked at him. He mainly seemed bored, so I skritched his nose and his ears and he let me take some pics.

thanks, sis

After a long day of destroying the Empire, who couldn't use a cold one?



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war eagle

Aaaaaand here's your national champion's fans.

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It's actually pretty much feckin' perfect that the trophy went on display in a Wal-Mart. Welcome to Alabama, y'all.

new zodiac

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I still don't think I see Paul the Capybara. That upsets me, as well as other Capybarians, I'm sure.

the lovecraft

The only kind of tie I will wear anymore. Let me tell you: if you want to make an impact just upon walking in the door at your Monday morning department meeting, don one of these bad boys. Hail Cthulu!

fight club flight card

This is likely a reddit refugee. I love the variety of voices on that site who are all still somehow like-minded, at least on some level.

for my smoking friends

You've been warned.

life is like a box of chocolates...

...a rancid, death-filled, putrid, stinking box of chocolates smothered in the pointlessness of existence and wrapped in ennui.

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I love that they call him by his proper name, Cancer Man, and not the politically correct version the X-Files creators gave him retroactively, The Cigarette-Smoking Man. Kind of a dramatic change of tone between the two, no?

a wrinkle in 90 seconds of time

These kids are hilarious. Here's a 90-second version of Madeleine L'Engle's 'A Wrinkle in Time,' a book that I loved when I was a kid. Never imagined doing something like this, though.

Favorite quote: 'I'm popular...but sensitive.'

"A Wrinkle In Time" In 90 Seconds from James Kennedy on Vimeo.

via via

texting while stupid

This warms the warmest, most schadenfreuderific, cockliest cockles of my bitter, black heart.

This is purportedly CCTV footage of a shopper at a mall texting and walking--straight into a fountain. I wonder if she got her message sent before her phone got soaked.



Also, dig the way she hops right up out of there and walks away.

Nothing to see here. Everything's fine. I totally meant to do that.

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smug vegetarian time

So, as avid readers of this blog who hang on my every golden word, you no doubt remember this post which featured a picture of the pink goo that is destined to become your chicken McNuggets. Here, just in case you forgot the velvety, delicious texture of what a living bird looks like after it has been mashed, beak, claws and all through a fine sieve:

Now feast your eyes on this article via huffpost which tells us that up to 50 percent of the contents of a McNugget are not actually chicken.

What's that? Oh, no big deal you say. Filler and grains and whatnot--no big deal. How about a petroleum-based anti-oxidant? Well, how about a silicone anti-foaming agent also found in Silly Putty?

(Looking at that picture, I can totally see that. In fact, I want to take that chicken goo and stick it to the comics page! Oh, Marmaduke! You're too big for that couch!!)  From huffpost:

Do you put dimethylpolysiloxane, an anti-foaming agent made of silicone, in your chicken dishes? How about tertiary butylhydroquinone (TBHQ), a chemical preservative so deadly just five grams can kill you?

These are just two of the ingredients in a McDonald's Chicken McNugget. Only 50 percent of a McNugget is actually chicken. The other half includes corn derivatives, sugars, leavening agents and completely synthetic ingredients.

 Not to mention all the other atrocious food-based crimes associated with fast food. In all seriousness, here is the concept that got me interested in Jonathan Safran Foer's 'Eating Animals': how can any parent of good conscience feed these kinds of things to their child? Especially when we consider that a child cannot make his own choices? How can feeding a child these kinds of things not be considered child abuse? If you squirted caulk in your kid's mouth, that would be abusive behavior, right? Why not deep-fried caulk packaged in bright colors and hawked by a creepy pedo clown?

Hey little girl. I likes yer chikken...

Seriously, what is wrong with this country?

If Ronald McDonald were a pedo, at least there are very few children so fat and slow that he'd be able to catch them.

damn, zodiac, you so wrong.

This here is some bullshit, y'all.

You're telling me that, having spent all my life as a Ram, as an Aries, a head-butting, ornery, kicking, rock-climbing mofo, with a Zodiacal name that sounds an awful lot like the Greek God-of-for-Chrissakes-War, that now, now here in 2011, less than a year before the world is about to end anyway, that now, due to the work of some astronomer, now, I am now to be tossed into the net of the Pisces?

Pisces the Fucking Fish?

You might as well take Patrick Swayze out of 'Roadhouse.'

You might as well take the Mad out of Max.

You might as well suggest that Chuck Norris wears little pink lace jammies to bed at night.

You might as well tell me my new star sign is Paul the Capybara. That is how much goddamn sense this makes.

Hi, I'm Paul, Paul the Capybara. And dude, your finger smells like a butthole. Yours?

You're saying I'm a...fish? At least Kanye got to be a gay fish on that episode of South Park. That's at least interesting.

From huffpost:

Your zodiac sign may not actually be your zodiac sign anymore.
Astronomer Parke Kunkle says that due to changes in the Earth's alignment the dates of many zodiac signs have changed, according to NBC. In addition, there may be a 13th Zodiac sign: Ophiuchus.
Kunkle says that as the Earth and Sun slowly move the signs gradually change, as expected.
The change didn't happen over night either. The 12 signs were designated to different periods of the year almost 3,000 years ago, when astrology began, and since then the Earth's position in relation to the sun has changed.
While the sign many people were born under may now be different, it shouldn't affect horoscope readings, according to NBC.
See if your Zodiac sign has changed below. (And find out if your friends' signs have changed here or under the dates below.)

 No, uh-uh, I don't think so, bitch.

Here's a question, Parke Kunkle, if in fact that is your name, and not some pork-borne disease from Asia that will soon be ripping out the linings of our intestines: what the fuck is an ASTRONOMER doing investigating fucking ASTROLOGY star signs?

Ever heard of division of labor, bitch? Let the weird old ladies and old hippie cranks deal with astrology, dude. Don't you actual scientists, who allegedly have educations and whatnot, don't you have enough to do, reducing the number of planets in our Solar System and so forth? No wonder NASA's fucked.

Second problem, and this is coming from a very, very underemployed and very, very sad journalism major. Read this sentence again:

While the sign many people were born under may now be different, it shouldn't affect horoscope readings, according to NBC.

Oh, golly, thanks. So NBC, the home of Chet Huntley, David Brinkley, Edwin Newman and Tim Russert is now informing its viewers about possible changes to their HOROSCOPE READINGS? Really?

Well, they're right. The change won't affect horoscope readings--they will still be vague, malleable and prone to interpretation and wishful-thinking, just as they always have been. Score one for intrepid news-douches accidentally getting one right.

Shit, I'm surprised they used the correct spelling of 'affect' in this sentence. I'm surprised they managed to string enough words together to form a fucking sentence. I'm surprised that said sentence didn't cause the internet to spontaneously eject itself from earth's gravity well and head off into space seeking intelligent life.

Good night, and good luck, America. The Mayan end of the world can't get here soon enough.

But goddamnit, I came into this world a Ram; I will leave it a Ram.

If you're interested in this strange confluence of heresy and idiocy, here's the alleged new dates, according to pork disease Parke Kunkle the astronomer who is all worried about astrology.

And who clearly hates America. And NASA. And space.

The New Dates:

Story continues below

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18 - May 13
Taurus: May 13 - June 21
Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 - Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 - Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 - Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 - Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 - Jan. 20

ADDENDUM:
And thank you reddit for making my point for me in far fewer words.

TL;DR:

wm. shakes review

Got a great review from Stacy Nick in the Coloradoan yesterday for 'Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)' so we're looking to be selling more tix. Quoth Ms. Nick:

Next up, the play goes after perhaps Shakespeare's bloodiest play, "Titus Andronicus." The basic plot of the actual tale: When the emperor's daughter is raped, he cuts off the head of the rapist, cooks it into a pie and serves it to the rapist's mother. "Shakespeare" converts the story into a hysterical Julia Child-style cooking show.

If you find this in poor taste, you may be out of luck with this show. As Reeves notes after the cast raps its way through "Othello": "That was unsurprisingly offensive."

Come down and check it out! You've got three (very) white boys rapping, and what could be funnier than dudes dressing up like chicks?

Nothing. That is near the top of the comedy food chain, just edging out poop jokes, dick jokes, and fart jokes.

Oh, wait. Boob jokes are number one. Those will always rule.

Brooks Reeves as Romeo.

info:

Runs
January 7, 2011
TO
February 13, 2011
Fridays and Saturdays at 8:00 p.m.

Matinees (2PM):
February 6, 2011
January 16, 2011
January 23, 2011
January 30, 2011
February 13, 2011
Thursday:
January 20, 2011 at 7:30 p.m.

Location
Masonic Temple : Proscenium
225 West Oak Street
Fort Collins

Tickets
Buy Tickets Online
Ticket Info
Box Office : 970-221-6730

it's so true

Yes, yes and yes.

via reblogged from here.

There's a 'fixed' version of this on reddit somewhere that depicts women as the cat (go away. come back. i like you. no i don't.) and is tres amusing, but i couldn't find it.